Fisting for dummies

Eden Cafe just ran Part 2 of my Fisting Series (Part 1 is here), dealing with the how-to of fisting. This is a practice that freaks people out- even kinksters, so I wanted to shed some light on the subject, and how to do it properly.

I kind of wonder if the reason that a lot of straight people are freaked out by it is it's historically such a queer sex act. (And duh, woman usually have smaller hands. Even gay leathermen used to enlist leather ladies for fisting.) There are many layers to the fisting onion...

Sex Toy World Cup Round One: Germany Vs. USA Part Two

Yesterday, I reviewed Germany's Fun Factory's Teneo Duo Smart Balls. Today Team USA represents!

Team USA: California Exotic's Venus Butterfly

Retail Price:$22ish

Specs: TPR rubber or jelly, depending on the model. 3.75" long, 3.5" wide, lightweight. Straps adjust to fit most bodies (including plus size bodies!)

Appearance: Ribbed, rubbery purple or pink butterfly-shaped bullet vibrator sleeve that fits over the clit and labia and is  held in place with a pair of adjustable elastic leg straps. You slip the straps around your thighs (or waist, depending) to hold the vibe in place.

Orgasmic Factor:
I originally purchased the "wireless" version which comes with a slim, bullet vibe that runs one AAA battery instead of the traditional corded battery pack. The classic version comes with California Exotics' classic silver bullet vibrator with runs on 2 AA's, so I popped the original vibe out of the butterfly sleeve and put in my bullet instead, although the bullet does not appear to be removable for some versions of the toy (there seem to be about a billion different. Slightly less convenient with the battery pack, but the added stimulation is well worth it! The jelly sleeve considerably quiets the sound of the vibrator, making it discreet for public wear, and also makes the vibrations a bit more diffuse (I also appreciate the cushioning effect that kept the bullet from rattling against my clit hood jewelry, a big reason why I'd stopped using my bullet in the first place.) I like a lot of direct stimulation, so I found the trick to using this toy effectively during partner sex was positions where external pressure is applied  to press it against the clit. It works great for grinding on while riding woman-on-top, or while fucking someone with a strap on. I don't think it would do much for me during doggy style, because while the leg straps hold it in place, it doesn't provide enough clitoral stimulation to get me over the edge. I haven't tried it for missionary position, but I suspect a vibrating cockring might be more effective for keeping things in place.

You can also wear this out and about, pairing it with tight jeans to hold it in place while concealing its presence. I imagine it could be quite fun with a remote controlled battery pack!

My main concern with this item is that it's made from not super body friendly jelly, so it can't be shared or disinfected. You can unsnap the leg straps for washing it, but you'd probably want to remove the bullet first, which makes it kind of a hassle to clean.

Overall Grade: 7/10


FINAL VERDICT:
Both of these products had their pros and cons, are both relatively inexpensive, great for public/partnered play, and kind of challenging to clean, so in the end, I'm going to declare this a tie. Germany and or USA will wind up rematching each other or other countries at some point (and this gives me an excuse to try other Fun Factory products!)

Sex Toy World Cup Round One: Germany Vs. USA Part One

Welcome to Round One of School for Scandal's Sex Toy World Cup, part of the Sex Toy Smackdown Series, which compares two toys to see which emerges victorious.

The ultimate luxury dildo.

For this first round, I selected a pair of "discreet" toys that can theoretically be worn in public while running errands, or in the case of the Venus Butterfly, during partner sex. I pitted Germany's Fun Factory against USA's California Exotics. Fun Factory is an upper mid-range company, a bit more affordable than luxury brands like Lelo and Jimmy Jane, but still features very good quality, high end products. California Exotics is an old guard sex toy company that has re-vamped its image in recent years to include more silicone and glass toys, and produces many classic sex toys like the silver bullet, which was my standby vibe for many years. (Despite the fact that the silver bullet won my first sex toy smackdown, I've switched to team Hitachi since...Oh, I can be a fickle girl!)

Team Germany: Fun Factory's Teneo Duo Smart Balls

 
Retail price: $30ish

Specs: Silicone. 7.25" long, including string, insertable part is about 4" long. Balls are 1.5" in diameter. Lightweight.

Appearance: Two matte silicone balls connected with a silicone string with a loop at one end as well as an indentation to help with insertion. These come in five colors: red, green, black, pink and violet, all with white contrasting patterns. I picked violet since I seem to have a burgeoning collection of purple sex toys these days. The balls are hollow and contain a small weighted ball that kind of rattles around inside, you can feel this subtle movement as you wear them.

Special features: Comes with a packet of lube (contains glycerine, unfortunately), in case you want to pop them in right away. ;)

Orgasmic Factor:
I got these in the mail from EdenFantasys a few weeks ago, and couldn't wait to try them out. I am one of those freaks who does kegels all the time anyway, so I figured it would be nice to have a ben-wa ball type kegelcisor to enjoy while doing housework and so forth. I had read some complaints from users that these were too big and that the pattern on the balls was irritating, but since I enjoy bigger toys and textured condoms, I figured it wouldn't be an issue. Unfortunately, I find that these don't fit super comfortably if I insert them in a non-aroused state- the second balls rests too close to the vaginal entrance, and can give you an irritated feeling like you get when wearing a tampon too long. They would probably fit better if I was warmed up, but the point was to have something I could pop in any time and enjoy, so I would suggest getting the smaller ones or the single ball instead.

My other complaint was that wearing these while doing mundane tasks made me horny to the point of distraction, and it was actually kind of unpleasant! I could see this annoyance being used to great effect in a D/s situation, I do think they're a bit intense for regular day to day wear.

I also found these can be sort of annoying to clean, as, um, "gunk" tends to get caught in the many ridges and pockets on the balls' surface. The texture does add additional stimulation and aids in keeping the balls in place, but make sure you wash these thoroughly directly after use. They are silicone at any rate, so they can be boiled as well.

As kegelcisors, these are great, and they do feel really good, as one ball hits the a-spot, and the other hits the g-spot. I really liked inserting them and contracting around them during masturbation, and found I have very intense orgasms this way. They are also great as a larger insertable that will stay in place during oral or anal sex, or while topping during strap on play. So I do believe these are a worthwhile purchase, though maybe not for the use I intended them for.

Overall Grade: 7/10

Team USA will compete tomorrow to see who emerges victorious!

Exciting news!

I am excited to announce that I will be presenting a paper entitled "No to the Flow: Rejecting Feminine Norms and the Reproductive Imperative through Hormonal Menstrual Suppression," at the "Moral Panics of Sexuality" conference at Arizona State University in Phoenix on October 7th, 2011. (Inspired by this blog post!)

I will be talking about how people freak out when ceasing to menstruate is presented as an option for women, how menstrual suppression can be used as a subtle form of transition for genderqueer people, and how rejecting fertility can be a radical choice for feminist women.

ITS GONNA BE OFF THE HOOK, YO.

Roman Scandal Does Denmark

Hello my babies.

If I've been conspicuously absent for the past week, it was because I was in Copenhagen EXPLORING MY DANISH ROOTS and intentionally ignoring the internet! Also, wifi is not so plentiful there, even when you're paying through the nose for it, it doesn't always work.

I think Denmark (and presumably anywhere in Scandinavia) is a good starter country for European travels because almost everyone speaks English, it's relatively safe (ok, I did get mistaken for a hooker several times), and full of all the good things Europe has to offer: rad shopping, tasty food, beautiful people, gorgeous scenery, and so forth. I wish I'd had more than a week to explore!

Even though I lived as an expat in in Japan for 4 years, this was my first time in Europe, and I learned IMPORTANT THINGS! I humbly offer you ROMAN SCANDAL'S GUIDE TO DOING DENMARK.

Stuff to bring:

Laptop (even if the wifi sucks, you're still going to need internet on occasion, and I could never figure out how to use the @ mark on Danish computers). My American AT&T cell phone had service in Europe, albeit quite expensive (I should have planned ahead with this, but my parents got me set up with an international texting plan while I was there, which helped). Oddly, my Verizon smart phone didn't work, so I used it as a camera instead. (Yes, I have two phones, business phone and pleasure phone, baby). Bring a power converter if you're coming from a non-EU country.

A travel buddy. You'll probably have more fun if you bring someone with you, just make sure it's someone who is fun to travel with! (I was very lucky in this regard, as you can see!)

Ladies with mustaches became a recurrent theme on this trip.

Walking shoes, and a spare pair of walking shoes. Copenhagen is small enough that you can pretty much walk everywhere. My first night in CPH I wore my least comfy heels (for an event), then my comfy-er heels the next day to impress a cute boy, not realizing we'd be walking a lot, and my feet were killing me. So the next day I wore my most comfy walking shoes, and the strap broke, so I went and bought a different pair of comfy shoes by the Danish brand Green Comfort (I had planned on going shoe shopping anyway, Danish shoes are awesome) which gave me blisters. At which point I resorted to wearing flip flops (which I'd brought for the shower) until I managed to track down a shoe repair place near Norreport Station (they did good work and fixed my broken strap in 5 minutes for about $4 USD!)

Awesome, if blister inducing shoes.

My Danish cousin also tipped me off to a line of miracle blister bandaids called Compeed, available at the drug store chain Matas, which is currently running an ad campaign featuring a lady with a mustache (?!) If you need actual medicine, you have to go to another drug store called Apoteke. Go figure.


Cash (to convert to Kronor at the airport) and debit/credit cards (for taking out more cash /paying for things). Bring lots of cash, shit is on average twice as expensive as in the US. Call your credit card company in advance to warn them you're traveling, and more importantly, GET THEM TO GIVE YOU A PIN FOR YOUR CREDIT CARD. I had a kerfuffle at a mom n pop shoe store because they expected me to have a pin for my credit card, which I didn't, and my bank wouldn't give me one over the phone. Bigger stores tend not to have problems with this, but you might as well cover your ass.

All the medicines you need, in bottles with the scrips on them, plus first aid kit with bandaids, disinfectant wipes, and common remedies. I almost never take antiacids or ibuprofen in the US, so I didn't bring any, which by Murphy's Law meant I needed them while abroad. You can get a lot of this stuff at Apoteke, but I was dismayed to discover you can't get zinc throat lozenges, which I swear by when I feel like I'm getting sick (which tends to happen when I travel since it's the only time I ever allow myself to smoke.) Also bring whatever condoms and lube you like if you plan on getting lucky- you can get some stuff at the drug store or sex shops, but the condoms are allegedly bad and the lube full of glycerine. And of course, bring sex toys if you're a perv like me!

Stuff for making your own coffee (I brought Starbucks Via, which I normally wouldn't bother with) if you are a heavy coffee drinker, because a cup of coffee can run you as much as $10. Of course, it's always nice to sit in cafes and drink expensive coffee anyway, so budget accordingly. I found they had good strong drip coffee most places if you are not an espresso fan.

Stuff to do:

Find a cute local to show you around. I suppose you could find a non-cute local to show you around, but historical monuments are so much more fun when you have someone to make out with someone in front of them.

Figure out the monetary system. If you're used to USD, this means dividing prices by 5 to get an approximate dollar amount. The bills come in 50kr (~$10) 100kr (~$20) 200kr (~$50) and 500kr (~$100). I found places were good about making change, I bought a hot dog with a 500kr bill one time. The coins are initially confusing- there are gold coins and there are silver coins with holes in them, and sometimes they'll accidentally give you Swedish coins. Smallest silver coin is 1kr (~20 cents), medium is 2(~40 cents), biggest is 5($1). Small gold coin is 10kr (~$2) and big gold coin is 20kr ($4). There's also a copper 50 øre coin (half a krone, about 10 cents), but you probably won't get many of those. Also, the silver coins have little hearts on them, which is fucking adorable and would totally never happen with US currency.

Figure out the train system. I never did, so can't help you there. But they have English speaking station agents, so you can always ask for help. Whatever, walking is good exercise.

Things to eat and drink: licorice and gummi candy (which they call "winegums"). 7-11s have bulk candy bins! I liked the "Vampyre" bat shaped candies because they have little gummi dicks! Licorice and herbal flavored schnapps like Fisk (wish I had bought a bottle), Aquavit (caraway flavored liquor) and bitters/snaps, all of which are a bit intense, but I have a *sophisticated* palette which means I love things that are bitter/licorice-y/salty. I don't drink a lot of beer, and I found the Carlsberg and Tuborg beers a bit common for my tastes (they're just basic fizzy yellow lagers), but they're definitely better than Miller or Budweiser. Bacon wrapped sausages from the Pølser stands! Licorice and marzipan chocolate ice cream topped with whipped cream, strawberry sauce and chocolate covered marshmallows! Frokost (lunch) buffet, full of delicious meats and cheeses and salads and rye bread and potatoes! Smørrebrød open-faced sandwiches! (Sadly, Ida Davidsen, allegedly the best smørrebrød place in the world was closed due to flooding, but I ate some pretty tasty ones regardless.)


Eat lots of wienerbrød! Lakagehuset is a good bakery chain for breakfast pastries (even thought the counter girl was mean to me), and there's an Andersen Bakery by Tivoli, which is funny because the chain was also all over Japan when I lived there. There are also lots of mom and pop bakeries that have little pretzel signs hanging over the awnings, even though they don't sell pretzels. I ate wienerbrød ("danishes") or kanelsnegl (cinnamon rolls lit. "cinnamon snails") for breakfast every morning, which is how I maintain my girlish figure.

Get a free city map from the tourist center near Tivoli so you can mark it up with a pen.

Go to Tivoli. Corny but adorable, kind of like the old-school rides at Disneyland merged with a beautiful park where you can hear live music. Also, this:

I call this one "The Little Mermaid's Revenge."

Go to a Copenhagen Burlesque event. Cheap it is not, but lots of fun and beautiful people in costumes in a gorgeous old theater! And if you're lucky, this might happen:

Getting my corset tightlaced by three ladies at once? Ooh la la!

Take a train somewhere. I was irrationally intimidated by the train/bus system and wound up walking everywhere, but I did take a 40 minute train ride out to Humlebæk  to visit the incredible Louisiana Museum of Modern Art. Even if you're not a big art person, this is a nice place to visit because the expansive grounds overlook the ocean (seriously, I did yoga on the lawn for an hour), and the lunch buffet was one of the best I ate while I was there. If you leave from Central Station you can buy a special roundtrip excursion ticket that also covers the cost of admission for about 170kr (~$30ish). Other potential day trips I didn't do but were suggested to me were Odense for the Hans Christian Andersen Museum, Roskilde for the Viking Ship Museum, or Malmö to say you've been to Sweden. (Apparently Danes tend to go to Malmö on Sunday because more things are open there and some things are cheaper, but I've also heard it's super boring there.)

Go on a canal tour. All the locals I encountered recommended this, and it was thoroughly enjoyable, plus you get a glimpse at the sort of underwhelming Little Mermaid statue (I liked the statue of a bull fighting a sea serpent in front of city hall much better!). It's cheapest if you catch the boat at Holmensbro.

Stuff not to do:

Don't expect to acquire fluency in Danish, or even be able to pronounce anything correctly. This goes against my trying not to be an ugly American, and I did learn some basics (Hello, Goodbye, Yes, No, Thank You, Do you speak English?, etc.) I find when working on pronunciation it is better NOT to look at how it's spelled, because it isn't logical to native English speakers and will melt your brain. I pride myself on being able to pick up foreign languages easily, but Danish HUMBLED me. I was able to figure out a lot of written vocab, however, because of its closeness to German, which helped with buying snacks at 7-11 and whatnot. But here's the deal: most Danes speak fabulous English, and it's kind of an honorary second language because most visitors from even non-English speaking countries will use it to communicate in Denmark. So don't feel too bad about speaking English all the time.

Don't try to hit all the tourist attractions in one day. It's not worth it. Pick one thing you really want to do, then wander aimlessly and eat delicious things. Trust me on this.

Don't freak out if they don't stamp your passport. Apparently some Euro countries are lax about this, and I freaked out (there were not customs agents at the "nothing to declare" line) but had zero difficulties leaving Europe/Re-entering the US. Also, buy all the booze you want at duty free and don't worry about US customs as long as you declare it. I brought back 4 bottles of Danish/Icelandic booze and they didn't tax me for it.

Don't go wandering through the red light district unaccompanied in high heels and a short skirt (It was my first night in town and I was going to a club!) as letchy dudes will assume you are a hooker and try to buy the pussy. (I also had some IRL hookers tell me I looked sexy, which was awesome!) Don't attempt to bring a gentleman friend home to your hotel room in the red light district as the night clerk will assume you are a hooker and make your "trick" pay for his own room. :(

Don't try to go shopping after 7pm, eat lunch after 2pm, and dinner after 9pm. Shit closes early here. (At least it seemed that way, but it could be because I was on vacation and hence running on a later schedule). There doesn't seem to be much to do in the evenings Sun-Weds. Also, very few shops are open on Sunday. 

Don't go to the Goth Club Faust. I actually saw it advertised in the tourist center, and it was only a block from where we were staying, so we went to check it out, but it didn't seem to exist. :( If you CAN find it, let me know!!!

Don't go shopping for sex toys. (This is definitely a dil-don't! hahaha) I wasn't that impressed by the selection (there are no Danish sex toy companies, though Lelo is based in Sweden) and it was markedly more expensive than what I would pay in the US. However, there are tons of sex toy shops around Istegade and a woman-friendly place by city hall called Lust that was recommended to me if you want to pick something up anyway.

Don't eat pølser (sausages) twice in one night. I got a late start on a Tuesday night, ate a pølse at 9pm before drinking a bit, then ate another pølse at midnight. My sweat smelled like hot dog the next morning, and the smell of the carts made me want to vomit for the rest of the trip.

Don't expect decent service. Wait staff even seemed vaguely annoyed when I asked for the check. The upside of this is you don't have to tip.

Don't expect strangers to be friendly. I live in a Midwestern city were people are more outgoing and chatty than your average metropolis, so I'm spoiled. Also, I spent many years in Japan, where I was considered an exotic novelty, and random people in bars were eager to grab my boobs and try their English on me. This is not the case in Denmark, especially since I pass for a Dane but don't actually speak the language. People tend to be sort of super outspokenly cranky at times, like the counter girl at Lakagehuset who got really bitchy when my arm accidentally touched the cake sample on the counter. (That said, I encountered some super rude and horrible French and American travelers at my hotel, and an extremely bitter American expat, so there ya go.) The first few days I kind of felt like "ZOMG PEOPLE ARE SO MEEEAN AND FROSTY" and then realized it's kind of just a cultural difference. Most of the Danes I met on my trip were people I'd previously established rapport with on online forums (because I'm a nerd), and were all exceedingly lovely people. This is also why it's a good idea to travel with a friend- you might be a bit lonely otherwise. I have some friends who are really good at traveling alone and linking up with other random travelers on the way, but that's never really been my thing. (And of course, one of these friends found out that the cool guys she was traveling with around Bosnia were heroin smugglers.)

Don't expect lines to move quickly. Everything kind of moves more slowly here. People have a tendency to randomly block sidewalks and entrances while having a leisurely conversation. I spent about 15 minutes waiting to order a drink in a not-so-long line at a club, at which point an American Expat instructed me that I just needed to "push past the Danes" (way to be an asshole, but I kind of understand how the sentiment might develop over the years).

In closing: Denmark is awesome!!! (Although a lot of self-deprecating Danes were like "why did you bother visiting here?" BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME. The end.)

Good things come in 11" packages

OH MAN.

I got an amazing package of goodies in the mail from EdenFantasys yesterday. I got the Tristan Butt Plug (center), Fun Factory's Smart Balls Teneo Duo (at left), a Sportsheets Leather Blindfold (foreground), and...the new KING AND MASTER OF MY SEX TOY COLLECTION....

Njoy's Eleven.

(It's the big metal one that comes with its own PURSE. I think the purse is a consolation prize for the fact that the toy is $300. I like to pretend I bought a designer purse, and it just *happened* to have an 11" solid steel dildo inside.)

As you may remember, Njoy's Pure Wand is my pussy's new best friend. As a size queen, how could I resist acquiring the Pure Wand's 11" monster of a big brother? This thing is a gorgeous beast. It looks like something a robotic horse otherkin nerd would covet. It's basically a solid steel stallion cock. Of amazingness.

Tragically, I have been extremely busy this week, and am flying to Denmark tomorrow and don't want to risk taking a $300 blunt weapon in my luggage, so I probably won't get to review this bad boy for a few more weeks.

However, I did immediately run to the bathroom and pop the Smart Balls in as soon as I got them. They're even conveniently packaged with a single serving packet of lube, as if they know people with poor impulse control (like me!) can't resist shoving them up their snatch until they get home. I had planned to wear these for the duration of my overseas flight, but became so horny within a few hours of going about my daily business with them that it was borderline uncomfortable. I am definitely using my new blindfold as a kinky sleep mask on the plane, though...

Annnnd, speaking of international travel, I will definitely be checking out the toys (and the boys!) in Copenhagen in preparation for the next chapter of the Sex Toy Smackdown series, THE SEX TOY WORLD CUP. Yes, sex toys from all over the world will be competing to get me off. Round one will pit the aforementioned German Smart Balls against USA's Venus Butterfly in a gripping mano-a-mano of discreet toys perfect for secret pleasures while running errands!

It's OK to be Fat.

Welcome to part three in the "It's OK" series, which re-examines complicated identities in a transformative light. Potentially triggering for some folks, so read at your own discretion.

Read part one, "It's OK to be a feminist," here.

Read part two, "It's OK to be a drama queen (sometimes)," here.

Last summer, I lost 25 pounds on what I've dubbed the "shit's fucked up diet."

Life was BAAAAD. My crazy ex was stalking me. I moved twice, first to evade stalker ex, then again when my crazy landlord flipped out and refused to give me a working refrigerator. I broke up with my boyfriend in the midst of this hell, but kept fucking him for all the wrong reasons. All my attempts to seek help led nowhere, or made things worse.  It was so hot in my apartment that I wanted to die, and I had to walk up and down three flights of stairs to get ice, or even food.

I tried to stay positive, but I was too deep in the muck to keep my head above water. My digestive system shut down, and I could barely eat. My stomach hurt all the time. I lost 25 pounds in 2 months. For the first time in my life, I simply didn't want to eat. The weight fell off me like crazy. And that was the thrilling upside of it all- I could fit my old pants! WOOOHOOO!

Nevermind the fact that I lost all this weight because my life had fallen apart and I didn't have a working refrigerator. I felt guilty about feeling happy about it, but I kind of did.

In fall, everything changed. I moved into a new apartment, with a working refrigerator. I broke up with my ex for good, and dropped some other toxic people from my life. I found the help I needed. Brazilian Maik took me out for a $300 steak dinner, and I enjoyed it. I felt in control again, and happy. 

I managed to maintain this weight loss for about a year by exercising regularly. Then something happened around my 31st birthday. I ate a lot of cake. I went on vacation, and ate some more. I was too busy to hit the gym as often as I used to. Moreover, I didn't want to go to the gym, which was unlike me. And in two months, over half of that weight I'd lost in the summer of horrible misery came piling back on. My pants were tight again. And I panicked, but there didn't seem to be anything I could bring myself to do about it. All of my conscious attempts to lose weight over the years have failed, or been short lived. It's as if my weight loss is dictated by external circumstances beyond my control.

I guess you could say from some weird psychological perspective, gaining back the weight I lost when my life was so horrible was kind of a healthy thing. But I was devastated. It felt like my body had turned on me. But let's get real- it's not like I faced any less prejudice as a size 18 than a size 20. Why did I feel undesirable when I still weighed less than I had during two long term relationships with men who loved my body the way it was?

My body issues are as complex as any American woman's. I am proud of my body. I love doing yoga and lifting weights at the gym. I wear a bikini to the beach even though society would prefer I cover up my rolls and cellulite (I am lucky that there have been lots of gender queer and body positive beach meet-ups in Chicago this summer!) I love dressing up in ways that make me feel beautiful. I self-identify as fat, and I am honest about my weight, because I think people lie about their weight so much that nobody knows what 150 or 250 pounds looks like anymore. I refuse to let being fat stand in the way of the things I want to do.

But fuck, it's hard. My ideal weight isn't 120, or a size 6. It's 190, and a size 14, the weight I was when I left Japan six years ago. But that's still over 50 pounds away from where I am now. 50 pounds that probably aren't going anywhere anytime soon. And even when I was 190 pounds, I still felt like I wasn't good enough in the eyes of society.

So, I am dealing with getting these extra 15 pounds back, and learning to accept and love myself the way I am, instead of feeling like a failure. Feeling bad about oneself is never productive on any level.

Every time I describe myself as fat, people who are not up on fat positive culture will say things like, "nooo, you're not fat, you're just not thin." BITCH PLEASE, I AM FAT. As Marilyn Wann has famously stated, fat is an adjective, not an insult. I appreciate compliments, but I don't need a euphemism to describe my body. I HATE "zaftig" and "rubenesque." I am fat. It is a body type, NOT an insult or an indicator of low self esteem. Deal with it.

OTOH, fuck the label "obese." Obese is a MEAN word, and revisions to the BMI have put loads of healthy, beautiful people in this category of a word that sounds greasy, demeaning, and disgusting. Obese is strangers commenting on what you buy at the grocery store. Obese is being forced to buy a second plane ticket for the crime of being fat. Obese is fat jokes that are still considered socially acceptable when racial slurs and gay bashing aren't.

A label I am surprisingly ok with, however, is BBW (Big Beautiful Woman, BHM is Big Handsome Man, and I'm sure this can be adapted to a variety of other gender identities. I guess I am a BBA- Big Beautiful Androgyne!) I know a lot of people don't like BBW because it seems objectifying or ghettoizing. However, I feel like it is one of the few ways that mainstream society knows how to express positive appreciate for fat women. BBW indicates that a woman is attractive because of, rather than in spite of, her size. Fetishization is obviously creepy, but mainstream society acknowledging that fat people are sexy and desirable instead of disgusting pariahs is important progress, and I think there's value in this term.

Sometimes body-acceptance and body love can feel like a full time job, regardless of size. I believe an important part of activism is acknowledging the issues, but then setting positive, attainable, transformative goals, and speaking about issues in a way that is accessible to a variety of people.


So, I present Roman Scandal's strategies for body positive living:

- Buy clothes that are flattering for your body if you have the bucks, and take the time for self care, whatever that means for you. Look good and feel good. Alter or throw away clothes that are too small or too big (unless your weight tends to fluctuate), or that you don't like wearing. I am fortunate enough to have a day job that allows me to buy expensive, sexy shoes that don't make my feet hurt,  fancy body products from Lush, and regularly pick up new clothing pieces (I am shamelessly addicted to Forever 21's Plus Size "Faith 21" line, Ruche.com, and lacy panties from Target). These things are worth budgeting for. I also have various rituals like doing my nails every week, taking luxurious baths, and moisturizing every day because it makes me feel good.

- If you don't have a lot of cash, find or organize a plus size clothing swap, or trade with friends. Learning to sew your own clothes is also a great strategy. This is pretty much how I clothed myself during my broke journalist years.

-If you have big boobs, save up some money if you can, and go to Nordstroms where they will measure you properly and hook you up with gorgeous designer bras from Elomi and Freya. It's worth it.

-Read body positive books and blogs. I recommend Crystal Renn's "Hungry" and Marilyn Wann's Fat?So! as a place to start.

- Make friends with body positive people. Find or start body positive organizations in your area. (Check out this dance party happening in Chicago tonight!)

-Make peace with food and exercise. This is a tricky one, as we're constantly pressured to eat a certain way and exercise TO BE THIN, but the trick is finding a way to enjoy your food, enjoy exercise, and lead a healthy lifestyle without getting caught up in "doing it to lose weight." You can do it to feel good, be healthy, and love yourself.

-Find role models- people whose body looks like your body, that you consider beautiful. This can be challenging if you look to Hollywood, where many plus-size beauties end up caving to dieting pressure.Two of my favorite BBWs are actually porn stars- Kelly Shibari and April Flores. They exist in a niche of an industry where their size is an asset, not a liability. They are also incredible women! There are lots of great Tumblrs that celebrate different kinds of beauty, so that may be a good place to start.

-Get comfortable with dressing sexy and getting naked.This may not be for everyone, but it can be incredibly liberating. I am a lingerie and lipstick lover, but everyone has their personal definition of sexy.

-Don't worry about what other people think about your body. It's not something you can control.

-Have someone take awesome pictures of you that re-affirm your self-image. (The one above was done during a shoot with the fabulous @acameraobscura on Fetlife). 

-Only date/fuck people who think you are sexy exactly the way you are. You don't have to put up with no bullshit.

Do you have suggestions for body positive blogs, books, or lifestyle choices? Leave them in the comments!

Fisting for fun and profit

I've written a two-part series about fisting for Eden Cafe. Check it out here, especially if you view fisting as terrifying and impossible, yet are secretly compelled to learn more about it.

ALSO! Retweet the article on Eden Cafe (there's a little link at the bottom) and you can enter to win some really badass vibrators!

Single Ladies/No Fit State

I have my own version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies," and it goes like this:

"If you liked it, than you should have put some meat in it..."

I started from a discussion of what kind of pizza to order and devolved into a really dirty joke. Anyway...

I spent my twenties wondering if and when I'd finally feel like an adult. Now that I'm 31, I feel like an adult. I have a job that actually utilizes my skills, I have health insurance, and a one-bedroom apartment without roommates. I've lived abroad, have published articles and short stories for real money, have an accountant. I'm planning to return to grad school and start a serious career. I still can't drive, but that's more due to anxiety than a lack of responsibility. In a nutshell, I pretty much have my shit together.

But one thing that's been hard to cope with in these past few years is all my peers pairing off, moving away, getting married, buying houses and having babies. I don't want any of these things right now (except maybe the moving away) but it's confusing to watch everyone do these things while I linger on the sidelines, scratching my head. (I realize my friends are not trying to freak me out by doing all these things. It's just confusing to be not part of this social movement that almost everyone I love is doing but me. I feel left behind even though I don't want to ride the ride.)

I decided in my late twenties that it was time to settle down, and embarked on three back-to-back trainwrecks of attempted committed relationships that made me super unhappy. I think someday I will be happy in a committed relationship, but I think the person will come to me on their own time, rather than deciding I want a serious partnership and trying to shoehorn the wrong person into that relationship model. I think in some regards I fell into these relationships because dating can be so disappointing and crappy, and the second you find someone who seems ok it's easy to want to just start a relationship with them. It takes a lot of energy to be single and dating (the alternative is not dating, which is low-effort but sort of boring after a while), but it's also easy to fall into a rut of misery within an established relationship.

I sometimes wondering if I'm just un-commitable, that I'm too fat, too fickle, too independent, too kinky, too bossy, too together, too(insert other supposedly undesirable quality for a woman who dates men). Meeting life partners Fakir Musafar and Cleo Dubois was valuable for me, as it showed me that two super unconventional people can meet and form a long term romantic partnership. It's the being patient that's hard. I don't want children, so thankfully I'm liberated from that particular time limitation.

I find myself identifying way too much with old episodes of Sex in the City, and I think it's because I'm so starved for the company of single people to bond with. I've had to let several single female friends go for violating the chicks before dicks rule. I don't care if I'm seeing a dude non-exclusively, if you're my friend, you need to talk to me before trying to fuck the dudes I'm fucking. I've also dealt with jealousy from friends who resent that they get more play than they do (pro-tip: I do the work to get it.)I guess I need to make single female friends who have their own established sex lives and have radically different taste in men than I do.

At any rate, I feel a little sad when I never get to see certain friends one on one anymore (unless their SO is out of town), or I barely see them at all because their relationship/house/baby/whatever is the biggest priority in their life. This is a legit choice for them and I respect it, but it doesn't change the fact that I miss them.

I really love being single. I love the freedom to be as selfish as I want to be, to have lots of interesting sex and not worry about whether or not I get to do the thing I want to do on Saturday night or go where I want to go on vacation. I would honestly rather spend my time being mundane alone, and have the time I spend with lovers be really exciting and special. I love all the self-care and excellent life choices I've made since I'm not spending all my time pouring a lot of emotional energy into trying to make things work when they aren't.

I don't even want a cat. Hell, I probably don't give my plant as much attention as he deserves.

There is this level when being true to yourself instead of the dominant paradigm is super lonely, but as Marilyn Monroe famously said: “It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.”

I should really follow this up with a super pro-singlehood post to lighten things up. Noone ever said being an adult was easy.

At any rate, here's a "solodarity" mixtape I made that you might enjoy.

"I'm in no fit state
I'm in no fit shape
To fall in love with you
To make a record of my life
To lose any more than I need
To watch my fingers bleed
To bust my body up
To drink out of your cup
To act a fool in love
Acting hard's been tough"

It's OK to be a drama queen (sometimes)

"It's OK" is a new series on School For Scandal to re-examines controversial identities in a positive/transformative light. Suggestions for a theme? Leave it in the comments!

In case you didn't know, Roman Scandal is way into astrology. I have moon in Leo, which means I have a NOT SO SECRET DRAMA QUEEN STREAK. I don't think this is a bad thing, necessarily because it means I have lived an "interesting life," in the Chinese curse sense of the word. Part of it is I'm a writer and I like having stories. Part of it is I'm crazy, though I've mellowed a bit in old age.

The Sun entered Leo on July 22nd, making this a great time to talk about the drama that Leo craves. If you want an example of an archetypical Leo drama queen, think of Madonna. Fire sign people in general (Sagittarius, Aries, Leo) love to run around and get CRAY CRAY. Leo is fixed (stable) fire so they tend to be the most predictable of the fire signs, but they also tend to crave constant adoration, excitement and glamour. Leo is the sign of the King, the Artist, the Actor and the Child, they will buy you bling but get mad if you don't seem sufficiently impressed by it. Leos are frequently average-attractive (again, Madonna) but insanely sexy on the basis of their regal charisma and intimidating confidence. Samantha Jones was probably a Leo. So yeah, this sign rules my planet of emotion, in the uber sex-and-death oriented 8th house. FUN TIMES.

Leos need a modicum of drama to thrive and survive. We are fucking lions, proud and regal as fuck, the sun shines out of our behinds, and we eat bitches for dinner. Deal with it. We're also insanely generous, sexy, entertaining, and brave. People put up with our shit because they love living vicariously through us. There are lambs enough in this world.


26-year-old Madonna at her Leonine finest. Watch her eloquently dress down mustachioed goon John Oates at 1:15. Drama Queen? Yes. Is she right, though? YES.

Recently I was in the car with Brazilian Maik (who is a Sagittarius) and I started tell him about how when I was fifteen, an editor at (name redacted for legal reasons)porn magazine used to call me up and try to get me to talk about my (non-existent) lesbian experimentation.

"Roman," Maik said, "If I didn't know you, I'd think you were lying, because you have so many of these crazy stories. But now I just know that you're Roman, and your life is just like that."

On the other hand, Maik frequently makes fun of me for talking about contact lenses, tax deductible expenses and dietary allergies a lot, but my sun is in practical, physical, money-minded Taurus, so I can't be exciting ALL THE TIME!!!

So here's the thing. I think I kind of hurt a friend's feelings last night when he said "I don't tolerate drama, I'm very anti drama," and I said "that's usually a red flag to me that a person has a lot of drama in their life." Dear friend, if you are reading this, it was not a judgment on your character, just me shooting my big, tactless, Aries ruled Mercury mouth. My point was that people who are truly low drama just are and don't need to proclaim it, and it's easy to see that through their actions. Personally, I do not claim to be low drama, but I am a self aware drama queen who seeks to manage her crazy in practical ways.

And here's the thing- if you're doing polyamory, kink, or other forms of alternative sexuality, you probably enjoy a tiny bit of drama, otherwise you'd probably be vanilla. Drama is one of those vague umbrella terms that sort of means any kind of (usually "negative") emotional intensity, which comes part and parcel with stepping outside of vanilla. People are going to deal with strong emotions when they share their committed partner with others (I will be blunt and say the people who claim they don't experience ANY jealousy in polyamory tend to have issues with empathy and intimacy, rather than actually being suuuuper emotionally mature people. Part of emotional maturity is being honest about experiencing hard feelings, not claiming that you don't have them). And then we have kink, which brings up all kinds of baggage for people when you're playing with intense physical sensations and potential emotional triggers. There's no way you can beat the shit out of/humiliate/stick needles in someone and act like it's totally casual and not ever gonna potentially bring up some emotional JUNK on both sides. If you are in the kink or poly scene you are dealing with a lot of slutty people in a relatively small community, and you are also going to run into exes, some of whom you may have done you wrong or hurt your feelings. So whatcha gonna do?

Sometimes "drama" means something is very wrong in a situation, and maybe feelings are being repressed until the blow up, or some shit is out of balance, and needs to be put back in balance. Some people are more emotionally intense or sensitive than others, some people are not as skillful at expressing and dealing with their own/other people's feelings as they'd like to be. So if we approach things with a zen mind, we can view drama as a tool for progress and growth instead of a way of ostracizing people.

So let's just admit that we're a bunch of fucking drama queens, some of us more than others. Let's quit saying "I don't do drama" and say "I do my best to manage the drama in my life," as a harm-reduction strategy because like assholes, we all have drama to some extent. And drama is actually what makes life interesting and fun sometimes.

Next time on IT'S OK: It's OK to be Kinky!